The Hierarchy

When I was in high school, I only attended 2 classes at my public school. The rest of my studies were done at home to accommodate my gymnastics schedule. Senior year, I took AP Psychology at public school. My teacher, Ms. Ross, was so cool and smart and awesome that I wanted to be just like her. So I declared my college major as Psychology. That didn't last too long, because I knew I needed to study something more...tangible (but props to Ms. Ross for making psychology so awesome that I thought I could spend my entire life doing it). Like food. Food is certainly tangible.

I decided that I would be a Registered Dietician for young athletes. I knew a lot about nutrition from being a gymnast, and I knew a lot about athletes, too (obviously). It was perfect. So I changed my major to Global and Community Health with a concentration in Nutrition - the closest to Dietetics you can get as an undergrad at George Mason. After the whole eating disorder thing, though, I realized that counting calories and weighing people for a living might not be the best choice I ever made. Meanwhile, my friends Kalvin and Jessica and Angie were applying to the nursing program. "Apply with us! Apply with us!" they pleaded. I ignored them until about 2 seconds after the nursing application deadline, when I realized that nursing could be perfect for me, too. I had wanted to be a surgeon as a kid but gave up on that when I found out how many years I'd be in school (a more accurate reason would be that I'm deathly afraid of math). I also wanted to be a teacher as a kid, but gave up on that when I found out how much - or how little - money they make. But nursing? I could help sick people like I wanted to do as a surgeon, then go to graduate school and become a Nurse Practitioner so I could specialize in kids or athletes, and use nutrition as a heavy component to my practice, and then get my Ph.D when I'm old and burnt out and become a professor of health and nutrition! EUREKA! Obviously the details need to be worked out a little, but that is the general plan. I graduate with my BS in Global and Community Health this Spring, and then it's off to an accelerated nursing program to get my BSN. That is, if I get in. Note to self: start working on my applications.

This is my long way of saying that over the years, I have become very familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow was this psychologist dude that realized people are like a cheerleading pyramid. If the bottom layer of the pyramid isn't strong, then the top layer will collapse. Except we aren't really talking about a bunch of girls in impossibly high ponytails. Maslow's hierarchy looks like this:

Basically, we need to master each level before we can focus on the next. It's like gymnastics. You can't do a back handspring, for example, without first mastering the bridge, the handstand, the snap down, and so on and so forth. Or like weightlifting: you can't clean and jerk your body weight without first mastering the individual parts of the movement, and then gradually increasing the weight you lift. This makes perfect sense to me. So then why am I freaking out that I am not reaching self-actualization, when in reality I don't even have the first level down yet? Oh, Courtney.

So I'm minimizing. I have gone from 18 credits at school and two part-time coaching jobs last semester, to 15 credits and NOTHING else this semester. I am even on leave of absence from my once-a-week volunteer position in the ER at a local hospital. It's just me, my books, my barbells, and my brain. And let me tell you, it's horrifying. I have never had this much time to do everything on my to-do lists AND get a decent night's sleep. Seriously, this is completely foreign to me. 

My therapist called this selfish, wish is why I'm looking for a new one, but a lot of other positive people in my life have called this "being 21" and "you do you." Which I am perfectly okay with. A couple of people have suggested to me that the reason I take on so many tasks and keep myself so busy is that if I have free time, I'll be forced to deal with my problems. Uh, duh. I was a big believer in "I'm fine" and "seriously, I'm FINE," all the while praying they wouldn't believe me and sit me down and tell me to stop it already.

Back to Maslow. 

Let's look at physiological: breathing? Yeah, got that down, except for when I'm lifting and sometimes forget to. Working on that. Food? You'd think someone who studies nutrition would have that down too, but it's very much an evolving process figuring out what works for me and what doesn't. My post-rehab eating disorder plan tells me to eat one way, while my cranky digestive system tells me to eat another way. Finding the balance is very much a full time job. Water?  We could all work on drinking more of that. Sleep? I tend to not during the night, and then nap extensively during the day. Clearly not okay. Homeostasis (AKA stability)? HA, if you read my first post, you'll see that the LACK of stability is what is driving me to write this blog in the first place. In the past year, I have moved 3 times, and since my parents' divorce 13 years ago, I have called 14 different places "home." As you can see, stability has not really been a big thing in my life.  

...This is not the profile of someone who is self-actualized. Not at all. Why do I feel like I should have gotten there 5 years ago? Why do I feel like I'm running out of time to be happy? Ugh. 

And that's it, that's my epiphany. 

Or maybe the Hierarchy of Needs looks more like this? (Couldn't resist!)