I was extremely relieved once I was free from gymnastics, but I was also terrified. I had no idea who I was or what I was going to do with myself (wait, I still feel like that). All I knew is that I was like a fish out of water, barely able to breathe without a gym. So I became a coach at Apollo Gymnastics. I couldn't go back to Capital out of embarrassment, and Apollo was closer anyways. I called Val Teets, the owner of Apollo. I had once been teammates with her daughter, Jacquie, and we considered the Teets family good friends. They practically hired me on the spot because of my name. I started coaching recreational classes, but quickly moved up the ladder to coach competitive kids. I was good at it, I was making money, and it just felt natural to be in the gym. It became my new sanctuary.
I also had to decide what to do about college. Instead of being offered a spot on a team and then "green-lighted" into the school, I had to apply like every other kid. I applied to one place: George Mason. I had a 4.1 GPA, but I had no idea if I would get in. I just wanted to keep coaching and keep making money. I didn't feel like there were any other options. Thankfully I got in, but when I had to decide what to do about housing, I played it safe and chose to live at home. Part of me wanted the adventure of living on campus and getting the college experience, but the other part of me was petrified of that. Think about it: I was living in a bubble for my entire life. I probably would NOT have fared very well on my own in the dorms, even though I considered myself a mature adult from the age of ten. I pretended like the college life was below me and continued living in my bubble.
But the issue of the shoulder was still unresolved. Spotting kids at work was becoming too difficult. I was sick and tired of it, so I made an appointment with a new doctor. He diagnosed me with multidirectional instability, AKA a super loose shoulder. He told me to try physical therapy. But you just know when something isn't right, and I knew that wasn't right. Even though my MRI was clean, something was still not right. After an unsuccessful round of physical therapy (surprise surprise), the doctor and I decided to try surgery to tighten up the shoulder. He would go in arthroscopically and essentially fold my ligaments in half so that my joint would stop dislocating on its own. But when he went in, he also found that the MRI machine was lying: I had a torn labrum as well. I TOLD YOU! After four years of saying something was wrong, I was finally right. It was a very validating feeling.
So why did I get another MRI on the same shoulder? It's called Courtney Thought She Was Making a Comeback and Now She Needs Another Surgery.
I literally dreamed of it every day. I would train at Apollo, reach my full potential, win Nationals, and transfer to a different school to be on their gymnastics team. I spent a whole paycheck on new practice leotards for my "fresh start." I told my bosses and the coaches that it was happening, and they were completely on board. It was pretty pathetic considering that I had barely done any physical activity since I quit and had 15 more pounds on my body.
I honestly believed that it was my destiny to make a comeback and prove to everyone that I could do it. It didn't help that I kept seeing my friends on TV, competing for the schools they got scholarships to, wearing beautiful leotards and looking like they were having the time of their lives.
I practiced either before or after work, or on the weekends. I was cleared by my surgeon to do gymnastics again, and I went full throttle. I was still able to do all of my skills, something that even the head coach of Apollo, Ken, couldn't believe. Whenever he saw me swinging bars, he asked me when I was going to compete for him already. The fact that he identified me as talented and wanted me for his team made me all warm and gooey inside, and in my mind I was going to do it. But time kept passing, and I didn't do it. One, two, three whole years passed thinking I was still going to make a comeback. Even writing this now, I think it still might be possible. I could drop everything and completely commit myself to getting back in shape and training hard. I could be the one to prove them all wrong...
But the two things I keep forgetting about is that I have a whole life to attend to outside of gymnastics. I'm in school. I have career goals. To think that I can make a true comeback is absolutely absurd; a fantasy. The other thing is my body. If it didn't cooperate as a child, it wouldn't cooperate now. In the past few weeks I have had two different doctors tell me that gymnasts are the most messed up patients they see, both physically and mentally. Do I want to welcome that back into my life? What is this desire really about? Is it about proving something to other people, or myself? Is it about the glory and the medals, or the actual work it takes to get there? Do I just need to let go already?
I think my actions speak the answer. From the day I quit, I said I would make a comeback. But I didn't! And this semester, I decided not to coach. These are actions that say I'm trying to move forward and let go of gymnastics. So then why am I still so distraught about this inside? What am I missing? I don't understand.
It's been four years since I quit; two years since my shoulder surgery. What?! Have I been stuck in my childhood for that long?! And now, just when I thought that I was letting go, I need another surgery on my shoulder because I went too hard, too fast on my "comeback." I undid my surgery about six months after I got it, and then it slowly started to tear and deteriorate as I started to get into lifting. Even though I felt it deteriorating so quickly after the surgery, I was in denial, and now I have to go through the entire thing all over again. My decisions are yet again haunting me. Maybe this surgery will, in a literal sense, stitch close the gymnastics chapter of my life. Oh, god. No.
I can't! I can't say goodbye! It was all I had! Gymnastics is mine! I don't know who I am or what to do without it! Please, please, please, turn back time so I can do things differently and work harder to get a scholarship! God please, turn back time. This is all a dream. This didn't happen to me. This did not happen to me. Please.
STOP IT COURTNEY. You have no choice. You cannot go back. Just stop. You are a logical person. Think this through. It would have come to an end eventually.
But it didn't end on my terms.
And so it continues...
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